Walk a mile in your shoes?  I don’t think so.  I can’t even make it that far in my own.  

Walk a mile in your shoes?  I don’t think so.  I can’t even make it that far in my own.  

This may be a sign I need to go on a diet.  These capri length shorts looking more like Daisy Dukes. 

This may be a sign I need to go on a diet.  These capri length shorts looking more like Daisy Dukes. 

Gym equipment is kind of like a semicolon to me.  I’m not sure how to properly use it and I probably never will.

Gym equipment is kind of like a semicolon to me.  I’m not sure how to properly use it and I probably never will.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.  

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.  

My friend used to steal whole calendars but he’s seen error of his ways.  Now he’s taking things one day at a time.

My friend used to steal whole calendars but he’s seen error of his ways.  Now he’s taking things one day at a time.

What a bad day!  My boss has zero sympathy for me!  I told him I’m a recovering workaholic and it’s dangerous for me to be around the stuff.  

What a bad day!  My boss has zero sympathy for me!  I told him I’m a recovering workaholic and it’s dangerous for me to be around the stuff.  

I got a great deal from a guy outside the mall on a new cologne. I’m not sure if they have it near you but it’s called “Tester”. 

I got a great deal from a guy outside the mall on a new cologne. I’m not sure if they have it near you but it’s called “Tester”. 

You wish I could be more spontaneous?  Fine, just tell me when.
You wish I could be more spontaneous?  Fine, just tell me when.
"Help, I’m allergic to nuts and claustrophobic!"  That’s what I would say in a nutshell.  

"Help, I’m allergic to nuts and claustrophobic!"  That’s what I would say in a nutshell.  

Never trust acupuncturists.  They’ll stab you in the back the first chance they get.  

Never trust acupuncturists.  They’ll stab you in the back the first chance they get.